James Harrison Ain’t Raising No Wussies

Pittsburgh Steelers veteran linebacker James Harrison snatched away his 6 and 8 year old kids’ team sports trophies because the trophies weren’t awarded for any specific achievement. Harrison’s big into the theory that kids are being ruined by meaningless awards and will grow up soft and entitled and working as part-time baristas. He’s also big into showing off his hardcore parenting on Instagram, just to let you know this isn’t really about his kids. Previously, Harrison broke down a door and backhanded the shit out of his girlfriend because she wasn’t a winner either. When his pitbull attacked his son as a toddler, Harrison used extraordinary means to have the dog saved from being put down because that dog was a winner. Harrison has refused to visit the White House after both his Super Bowl wins because he believed that Bush, then Obama, were just faking their enthusiasm for the Steelers.

Maybe blue ribbons for the tubby kid in school who comes in last place in the mile is excessive. Team trophies have been given out to little kids on sports teams since the dawn of time. I bet Harrison’s offspring worked their asses off, what with Dad hoisting the electric cattle prod any time they didn’t lead with their soft craniums. Harrison gets a paycheck from the Steelers even when he has a sub par week. He doesn’t tear that shit up. These trophies are the kids’ paycheck for doing their job. It’s a fine line between being an applause worthy throwback dad and just being an asshole with hyper aggression toward women and children. Keep that shit on the field. There’s plenty of time to beat your kids between middle school and the time they run away from home.

Photo credit: James Harrison/Instagram