38 year old Jessica Hayes from Fuck Yourself Indiana married Jesus Christ in a ridiculous spectacle called becoming a Consecrated Virgin. The 48 dudes she’d blown prior rolled their eyes from the Sonic drive thru. This raises more than a few question: Isn’t polygamy illegal and how could Jesus legally marry more than one idiot? If you get married don’t you legally have to be present and sign a few documents? Hasn’t Jesus been dead for like roughly 2,000 years and where are my Christmas presents?
Consecrated Virgins are apparently similar to nuns except better looking and lazier and too dumb to teach super biased science classes because they stutter on cue when asked about the dinosaurs. What the fuck is going on in Indiana? Apparently not very much. If Jesus ever bails on you come by my beach house we’ll pray and immediately fuck. I don’t have his abs but on the plus side I got smokes for after sex.
Photo Credit: Fwdioc.org