India Loves Its Rape

Every time you feel shitty about America, just Google news of the world and read about what goes on in every other fucked up corner of this planet. In India, a tribal council decided that a young man from the lower caste had violated fresh rules from the 9th century by running away with a rich chick like in a John Hughes movie. Only in John Hughes movies the tribal councils don’t order Eric Stoltz’ two sisters to be paraded naked in the streets then gang raped as punishment for their brother’s social faux pas. Thanks, bro. Hope you two are happy.

The number of reported rape cases in India skyrocketed nearly 900 percent in the 40 years leading up to 2012.

I’m not a stats guy, but a 900 percent rise in rape has to mean the Minister of Stopping Rape gets canned, right? That’s a ton of rape. Nobody does shit about sexual offenses to poor girls so unofficial city elders order their young henchmen to rape chicks from the wrong side of the tracks in between taking Microsoft Customer Service calls. It’s not as bad as American universities where 3 in 2 women were sexually assaulted five minutes ago by a frat guy named Stephen conceived in a feminist graphic novel. Still, an arrow straight up is hard to explain away on a chart where Sanctioned Gang Rapes are on the Y axis. I love you, United States of America. Keep arresting elementary school boys for writing love letters to girls. It’s the only way.

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