Guatemala Is a Joke (America, Fuck Yeah)

Latin America was overrun with European colonials hundreds of years ago and never recovered. They’re like a girl who got felt up by her high school English teacher and can never love again. Every single country is some variation of fucked up, corrupt, undereducated, devoutly religious, poor agrarians with shitty leaders who steal all their stuff. Not that much different than here, but we can afford to buy the drugs.

Guatemala held a Presidential election because the last guy with a mustache reached his one-thousandth blatant bribery offense, at which point you have three minutes to grab all the gold coins you can and flee to Panama. The dude who won by a landslide is a comedian who’s spent the last fourteen years on a TV skit show in Guatemala that you just know has lots of donkey jokes. Also a midget in a devil’s costume who giggles. Jimmy Morales has no political or government experience whatsoever. It’s like Jimmy Fallon becoming President. Or Ben Carson.

Many will hail the outsider victory as a turning point for Guatemala because they have no idea how Guatemala works. Morales is a born again Christian with deep political ties to the military party that used to assassinate people who smiled like the enjoyed living in Guatemala. The entire reason to study other countries is to realize how relatively not fucked up the United States is. We elect boring ninnies who don’t inspire or get much done, but that’s a good thing. Hope is good. Change is bad. Bring on the losers and the gridlock. Tomorrow being just like today isn’t that bad depending on your starting point. There are very few Americans sneaking into Guatemala to be housekeepers.