Jared Leto Can Name Up to Two American Immigrants (VIDEO)

Jared Leto was tasked with the obligatory awards ceremony ode to third world suffering felt heavily by wealthy celebrities because of how many foreign speaking nannies and gardeners they employ. Also, many of them are presently fucking Czech models. Leto read a note from a guy whose wife was killed by the terrorists in Paris who refused to hate Muslim extremists who left him a single dad because that would only beget more violence. He then changed his relationship status on Facebook to ‘Yeah, I’m That Guy’ and watched the pussy roll right on in.

Leto reminded the audience that many people are the sons and daughters of immigrants, including Steve Jobs and Barack Obama. Also, the entire rest of the country not named Running Deer. It was a great chance to pan the camera to the sad fat face of anybody in the audience who didn’t look quite white or black and was crying. Leto concluded his teleprompter Gettysburg by introducing Celine Dion, who apologized for having no room at any of her eleven residences to house Syrian refugees, but she heard Iowa is beautiful in the winter and reminds Syrians a lot of their homeland. Help is one of those words better left in the concept stage.