Michelle Obama Can’t Wait For This Shit to Be Over

While Barack is off testing the phrase ‘ragamuffins’ as an endearing euphemism for Islamic terrorists, Michelle Obama is left carrying the water for the administration on making kids cry out for more healthy food choices. With zero evidence her multi-year agenda is working she’s doubled down with her FNV campaign. That’s Fruits and Vegetables if you’re not street. Obama snatched up Jessica Alba and seven or so quarterfinalists from previous American Idols to push the concept that produce is cool.

“If big brands can have the celebrity endorsements, the cool commercials, the logos and the social media reach, then so can fruits and veggies!” — Jessica Alba

Fuck yeah, Jessica Alba. I swear to God I’ll eat an entire celeriac to the nub right now if you lift your top. Or is your heart not really in this?

Obama is encouraging millennials to produce advertisements for fruits and vegetables and post them to social media where super famous chicks you were certain were dead like Jordin Sparks will retweet your work. You could also win a sticker for that thermos full of vegetable soup you bring to school each day for the bullies to beat you over your head.

Michelle Obama’s plan seems destined for failure. Potato chip makers don’t need to convince people their food taste awesome. It just tastes awesome. They advertise so you buy their processed chemical crap instead of their competitors. People thirst for fresh produce about as much as men look forward to being married. It’s something said as a matter of polite cultural routine to get laid. The belief that something unpopular would actually be incredibly popular if only people saw it in the right light is the source of so much pointless waste and suffering. Just ask unattractive people or Bobby Jindal or women’s sports.

Photo credit: Michelle Obama/Instagram