Lawrence Phillips is Finally Dead

Former Nebraska and NFL running back Lawrence Phillips finally died. Phillips is most famous for beating the crap out of tons of women and never suffering consequences because he had a sweet average yards per carry. At Nebraska Phillips pulled his girlfriend down three flights of stairs by her hair, which left even the most hardened domestic abuser silently mouthing the word ‘damn’. Coach Osbourne would routinely make Phillips swear on a stack of bibles that the bitches had it coming before re-instating him just in time for the big games. The Nebraska faculty threatened a boycott until the University President explained how football made the school $200 million a year and how the Sociology and the Language Arts departments combined made crap so sit the fuck down.

Phillips got the same special treatment in the NFL until his on-field performance crapped out and suddenly everybody became aware that he liked to threaten to kill his girlfriends and wives. That got him run out of the league. Cops charged him with a series of crimes they’d been holding onto until he stopped being so damn good at football. His convictions netted him three decades in the slammer, time he put to good use by killing his cellmate. Successful people never stop working. Phillips finally took his own life before facing a death penalty case for being a horrible roommate.

Phillips was an insufferable violent asshole raised in a system that coddles insufferable violent assholes. It’s still his fault. Not all dogs to heaven. You really were amazing against Florida in the Fiesta Bowl. If only you could have found a less obvious outlet for your murderous rage, like playing linebacker.