Biden Sexual Assault Speech at the Oscars Should Be Thrilling

Vice President Joe Biden will introduce Lady Gaga at the Oscars Sunday Night with a speech about college campus sexual assaults. Presumably he’s against. More importantly, traffic in L.A. isn’t shitty enough during Oscars weekend. We could use a V.P. motorcade and additional street closures.

According to the White House, approximately 99.9% of all women on college campuses will be raped at least thrice, just during the Oscars. Some more, some less, depending on how much weight they’ve put on during winter quarter. The high number comes from studies which employ the premise that all heterosexual sex is rape because who would choose to let a dude fuck them with their balls and all that hair and the fact they might be an Eagles fan. It’s fucking horrible. So bad that Lady Gaga wrote a song about it that was nominated for an Oscar. “Until It Happens to You” which implies that it will happen to you. The rape monster is upon us. It’s like Cloverfield, but even more loosely based in science. Go hide in the subway tunnels. Like you won’t be raped there.

Violent crime against women has been trending downward in this country for years. It does remains elevated among late teen girls who get wasted at frat parties. But much lower among that same demographic who study in the library into the evening because they’re super dedicated or Asian or both. Biden went to college and surely raped his fair share of coeds. Was Terry Crews not available? Sorry, totally forgot. #OscarsPanderingSexualAssaultSpeechesSoWhite