Gwyneth Paltrow’s Stalker Set Free

Dante Michael Soiu has been in love with Gwyneth Paltrow for seventeen years. In the early days of their relationship she didn’t know about he sent her letters about fucking her and followed her to her parents house. Presumably to fuck her, but he was also a pizza delivery guy, so maybe he was just delivering pizza. None of the cops could see Paltrow eating Dominos so he was arrested.

Soiu was declared mentally unfit to stand trial because he claimed Paltrow was the sweetest woman in the entire world and he was sent away to a crazy hospital for several years. Upon his release, he started sending Paltrow more letters, but this time he framed them as apology notes so they couldn’t be seen as legally threatening. Like, I’m so sorry about those letters I sent you about wanting to stick my dick so far up your ass when I cum my jizz will shoot out of your mouth like a semen volcano. Apology accepted?

A jury in L.A found his latest bit of stalking to be more cute than anything so they acquitted him of all charges and Soiu was released. Soiu’s attorney claims her client is fine now that he’s on the right medication. Which means either he or Paltrow end up dead within six months. Everybody loves the 2nd Amendment when the crazy pizza guy decides only he and his sling blade can make you happy.

Photo credit: FameFlynet