Porn Slipping Away (VIDEO)

Whatever number Trump picks to blow minds about trade deficits with the scheming Orientals pales in comparison to the treasure swallowed up by the digital porn business headquartered in clouds floating above the island of Cypress. It’s fucking enormous. And entirely offshore. The porn giants have solved the Internet faster, better, and smarter than any other online sector. The really smart Indians aren’t working for Facebook and Google, they’re working PornTube and XHamster and LiveJasmine. Despite the Tubmans rolling in like New Jack City, the porn operations can’t help themselves but hire into mainstream marketing kitsch with promises of legitimate media exposure. You’d lose a fortune betting against anything porn does, though these kitschy marketing ploys seem at best like paid for consultant crap.

Pornhub is launching a program called BangFit, where you earn points and an unclogged aorta by plugging your lady in different high-energy butt slapping positions. Because the bulk of online porn visitors clearly have girlfriends they can regularly jackrabbit for parlor game virtual prizes. BangFit offers the “single player” mode, which if there is any honesty left in the world, will be selected by a number approaching one-hundred percent of Pornhub visitors. If masturbation is your primary exercise regimen, you’re either doing it way too much or you’re going to depart this world with a loud gasp in the den. Clear your browser history now. Junior doesn’t need to live with these kinds of secrets.