Things Not To Say When Your Son Fingers a Passed Out Woman

Stanford University student and varsity swimmer Brock Turner got sentenced to six months in prison for penetrating a 23-year old female partygoer with a “foreign object” and intent to commit rape. Turner had argued that the hooking up was consensual and his lady whose name he didn’t know was moaning. Witnesses claimed the the woman was completely unconscious near a dumpster with Turner on top of her and Turner bolted when they came upon him. The victim scored a .24 blood alcohol level which is about the mark at which you shrilly scream out for more Fetty Wap before vomiting and passing out.

Somebody started a Change.org petition to remove the judge in the case for only giving Turner six months jail time when he the prosecutors asked for six years. Change.org petitions are akin to doing absolutely nothing, but with the added benefit of having your signature email spammed by fake credit repair scams for longer than a foreign object penetration sentence. Though the female victim was not a student, the furor over the case has played right into the campus rape mania made famous in Grammy Award winning songs and promoted by questionable White House statistics. This shit heel is an opportunistic fuck. Therefore all men are rapists and all women are in danger. Close down the colleges! Wait, keep them open and make them free. What?

Despite the light jail sentence, Turner is required to register as a sex offender which kind of negates the whole “some Stanford” thing on your resume when applying for future swim coaching jobs. Turner’s dad who is Rapey McRapistFace senior wrote a mitigation statement on behalf of his convicted son before sentencing that included the paternal concern that a long prison sentence would be…

…a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 years of life.

Precisely why you need to re-read your emails before sending. Was there really not an aunt born after 1950 around anywhere to proof the word choice? Swim team culture is rape culture. It’s like nobody is leaning in any more.

_{Photo credit: Santa Clara County Sheriff’s Department}