Warren Sapp Shark Bit

There are several signs Warren Sapp isn’t doing well in retirement. There were the stories about how everybody at the NFL Network secretly named him the most hated person at office cake parties he wasn’t invited to. He didn’t last long as he was fired after his girlfriend filed domestic violence charges against him for stepping on her head and biting her in Vegas. That was after he was arrested for tackling hookers in the hallway of a Florida hotel for trying to overcharge him. He provided BJ videos to the cops to prove he was only in for the silver package when the pros tried to work him over for gold.

Sapp’s latest brush with bored retired athlete death came at the teeth of a shark which took a chunk out of his arm while Sapp was lobstering. Lobstering is a thing for New England fisherman trying to feed their family. When you make it a day sport in warm waters, even the sharks no you have too much fucking time on your hands. Naturally, Sapp released photos. You’re going to need a bigger Band-Aid.

It’s impossible to plot Sapp’s specific demise yet, but I’d stay away from ocean and air related activities. Consider holing up in a bunker with a tin foil hat and plenty of cameras. Sometimes God is really out to get you.