Somebody Got the Bad Sperm

Here’s some advice just for the ladies. Look into the eyes of the man fucking a baby into you. Will your kid be kind and intuitive and genial, or will he be the Krueger offspring of a nun raped by a thousand maniacs? At least make an educated guess at the moment he tells you he’s cumming. Quick, ask him if he prefers pastels for the baby’s room.

Sperm banks use the term “bank” to connote a level of professionalism. Safety, security, Armenian women in pantsuits and heavy lipstick waiting to be replaced by automation. But most are simply for-profit institutions trading in sperm with no more managerial care than the guy carving shawarma on the mobile cart on 57th. 

A dude named Chris Aggeles turned himself into a Georgia police department wracked with guilt over omitting a few things on his Xytex sperm bank donor form. Like the fact he suffered from bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and narcissistic personality disorder. And had an arrest record. And some other shit so bad that had to be redacted since it would cause the 36 women who had babies by his sperm to toss their offspring into the river. This slightly different than his donor profile which listed him as a PhD candidate in neuroscience with an IQ of 160 and no history of mental illness or anti-social behavior.

Most of the baby mamas are suing Xytex which is referring them to the asterisk at the cum stained lower corner of their contracts which states, we do our best to verify our donors, but, come on, these are guys jizzing for cash, and the ones who don’t want the cash are even scarier. 

We’re not many generations removed from women being able to reproduce without men involved at all. Some ladies will still want to fuck, Theresa your UPS driver is going for the Genentech pre-packaged zygote screened for over 173 known genetic disorders. Until then, take your chances on the rando self-identified genius sperm in a cup. Hide the house pets from the kid until you see how he reacts to having cutlery in his hand.