Cory Booker’s New Beard

Cory Booker is the junior senator from New Jersey, meaning he should be getting decent poon on the regular. Strangely enough he’s always been a swingin’ bachelor, well into his mid 40’s. That doesn’t just mean he’s not married. While atypical for a hyper ambitious politician, it’s not unheard of. Booker has had like one girlfriend ever, and she lived in a different state. Do the math. Suddenly he’s become super cozy with this chick firmly entrenched in the Democratic establishment. What are the odds, I was thinking maybe Naomi Watts.

His new girlfriend, Cleo Wade, is an “Instagram Poet.” Fuck yourself. She has the balls to call her stupid tile memes full of minimalist shitty poetry a “public service.” She also sits on an abortion advocacy board for Angie’s List, a position which entails attending many catered events per decade. She also fucked Robert Pattinson and is friends with Katy Perry. Clearly this chick has aspirations. Pretend to be my girlfriend and I can do you some favors.

“Smile. Don’t forget to let your life be fun too, darling.”

Stick your stupid poem up your ass. Perhaps your fake boyfriend can show you how. America is probably ready for a gay president. Looks like you just disqualified yourself. Enjoy Newark, cock smokers. 

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}