Petitioners Demand Not Burgers at Burger Restaurant

The wave of unabated personal and social entitlement is an alarming phenomenon. It’s possible that 19th century travelers were demanding low-fizz sarsaparilla and wart free whores. But probably not. Soda and pussy. Take it or leave it. The last guy who asked for a special order is rotting out back.

Petitioners have taken once again to Change.org’s emasculating platform to demand that the highly successful West Coast burger chain, In-N-Out, add a veggie burger to their meat only menu:

The push for plant-based meats is growing, with Millennials leading the charge and backing up their desire to support ethical companies with a whopping $200 billion in annual buying power. Before customers can let their money do the talking, there has to be a meat-free option to spend it on. So please use your voice to tell the execs at In-N-Out that a veggie burger deserves a place on the menu!

Serious people don’t use exclamation points. Also, plant based meats is not a real thing. There are plants. There is meat. The Bible clearly says so. Also, modern science. There are veggie patties formed in the shape of hamburgers that are only commercially popular when infused with a shit ton of fat and salts. Health conscious eaters don’t eat fast food veggie burgers. Nor do they frequent burger joints teaming caloric buns with cheese and a mayo-ketchup spread.

None of this makes sense save for the bottomless pit that is people whining about shit. Look what you’ve done to Domino’s Pizza. Who is buying those disturbing looking green salads to feed their “fit” friends over to watch the game? Guess who dies quicker? That’s right. The woman sucking down the campylobacter because she wanted a salad from a cheap pizza delivery outlet.

There’s health food, there’s not health food, and then there’s shit in between. Adults understand the buckets. Also basic economics. If there was massive demand for veggie burgers at In-N-Out or they’d already have them. None of these petitioners are making dinner buying decisions based on the presence of a non-meat alternative at a saturated fat meat palace. Stop trying to ruin shit for people trying to ruin themselves simply because you’re half-able to do so.

A hundred years nobody signed petitions for utter nonsense or purely selfish gratification. They did so because they hated the Chinese. Prohibitionists were the closest any past century group ever came to being as completely fucking annoying as modern Perfect Worlders and their win proved utterly disastrous on every single level. 

Nobody takes Change.org petitions seriously. And they shouldn’t. But these petitions do in their own way reflect the horror that is our entitlement culture. My grandmother would have clearly explained that she’d rather die than ever sign such a stupid petition and she’d probably commit to doing just that if it came to it.

It’s time for vegetarians to quietly leave the stage. We’re well aware you’re just fat vegans.

P.S. Look at that fucking burger. After sex with a woman who seems faintly into it, there’s the Double-Double on the list of life’s greatest pleasures.