Steven Avery Dumps Fiancee From The Slammer

Steven Avery of Making a Murderer fame and also local Throwing A Cat Into A Bonfire and Masturbating on His Female Cousin’s Car Hood fame has broken off his engagement with legal secretary Lynn Hartman after just nine days. It’s unclear the exact point of marrying someone who’s behind bars, probably for life. For the prisoner it makes sense, it’s something to pass the time and solid spank bank material. It’s also unclear if you can get a hand job through the bars, but you certainly should be able to. These are men, not animals. What well-adjusted woman would possibly see the appeal here? As it turns out, a publicity whore who got paid $5,000 to reveal her wedding dress on Dr Phil. He’s a really good dude. Avery’s ex-fiancee posted to Facebook to confirm that Avery indeed dumped Harman. Yeah, you just got dumped by a guy serving life. Think about a final solution: 

“Steve called me two times tonight and wants everyone to know that Lynn (Hartman) and him are done. She has been in this relationship for money and publicity. His eyes are finally opened!!! His words – she is a gold-digger.”

Technically gold-digger isn’t the proper term but it’s mean to correct the mentally handicapped. Steven Avery is most likely an innocent man who was framed because he was owed $32 million for a prior wrongful imprisonment. As if that weren’t bad enough, now he’s got to deal with this bullshit. If there were any justice in the world he’d be released, get piss drunk and spray paint this lady’s house, do another three months, and happily live out the rest of his life drinking Mickey’s in a junkyard and occasionally making awesome appearances on Conan. But prison life is no fairytale. Steven Avery is rural Wisconsin’s Bradley Cooper 

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