Elton John Teetotaler

Elton John just threw his AIDS fundraiser at a bar on Wall Street. Zero chance of that money will go towards anything except rich guys going bareback. The weird thing is that John doesn’t really get credit for being a fat guy with weird stubby arms. Basically the white CeeLo. HIs AIDS fundraiser was sponsored by Chopin Vodka and Clase Azul Tequila, much more expensive versions of the actual shit that gave most people HIV which causes AIDS unless you know Elton John. The somewhat ironic part is that John demanded only non-alcoholic beer in his greenroom prior to noticeably using Purell after shaking hands with the more runny nosed attendees. 

Elton John always seemed like a cool guy. Self-deprecating. Dressed up as a duck when he was on a ton of coke. There’s nothing wrong with quitting drinking if you have a problem. There is a major problem with ever buying nonalcoholic beer. If you buy it and don’t provide real beer, you’re just a fucking asshole rubbing your shitty sobriety in the faces of people without any guilt. You’re verging on a thumbs down sir. Classic top. 

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