Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell Are Hiding Dark Secrets

God invented marriage as a tough slog. After first inventing it as a means to legitimize the sale of women into the possession of men not their fathers for what the women hoped would be more kindly rapings. People who make marriage out to seem blissful and heavenly are either still early enough in their betrothal to be regularly providing one another oral sex, or they’re nuts and hiding shit. You can’t imagine Kristen Bell giving a blow job no matter how hard you try. So assume the latter regarding her marriage to Dax Shepard.

Beyond the paid family friendly Sears advertisements which are no small compensation, Bell and Shepard put on a 24-7 public display of cutesy perfection. In their latest promotional journey into living out the diary of a twelve year old Taylor Swift fanatic, Shepard and Bell dubbed themselves super spouses and same-sex kissed the couple they visited for a Christmas Party. They wore matching sweaters. Have you noticed outraged suicidal Turkish Muslim riot police are never around when you need them?

Dax Shepard has long ago gone public with his multi-decade battle with drugs and alcohol following that time a college aged boy touched him in his stranger danger parts. And Bell has dished out more than a few macabre tales of postpartum depression. Whatever they’re hiding has to be worse. If you’re thinking Bell pegging Shepard while both cry about the displaced children of Southern Sudan, you’re thinking way too small. I conjecture both voted for Trump. The shame of all shames. Worse than wearing unfair trade cotton. It’s that big. Nobody goes this kitschy overboard unless pushing up crazy hard against that closet of skeletons.

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