Jennifer Aniston Vaguely Champions Something That Might Be Women’s Rights

Jennifer Aniston went on Ellen to remind everybody that she has yet another shitty looking movie coming out for Christmas. It’s a low ball comedy with lots of groin jokes. She’s being paid millions. She also spent most of the interview playing Never Have I Ever about being in the Mile High Club. Don’t let that be used against her in making salient points about the subjugation of women. 

Promoting her films is usually the time Aniston chides people about how they can be better. For instance, everybody who imposes unattainable beauty standards in women’s magazines and insists on publishing celebrity tabloid garbage. So, women, only substitute men since blaming women is not going to get you a round applause on Ellen:

We have to stop listening to them, we have to stop buying them because we have to support each other, especially at this time, to love each other, to support, and to be proud of women whatever your choice is in life. It’s up to us what makes us happy and fulfilled.

Thanks, MLK Jr. for wealthy white women in show business. Your biggest complaint is really that women at the supermarket like reading made-up stories about your love life? That must be a tough way to earn a fortune. Especially at this time, which has to be a veiled reference to Trump. Unless she’s referring to ancient Zoroastrian prophecies about a dark eon for vaginas.

Aniston seems particularly riled by bogus stories about her being pregnant, since she insists its a micro-aggression aimed at her for choosing not to have kids. You can imagine all the men she meets who give her shit about not having kids. Fucking men. 

We as women do a lot of incredible things in this world other than just procreate.

Fascinating, if true. There’s nothing like stating something entirely obvious with an emphatic enough sincerity to draw a rousing approbation. Women should be doctors if they want to be! Sometimes I want breakfast for dinner! Please, please, you’re too kind. You may be seated. What a putz. P.S., Ellen’s lying. She’s had way more sex than you on airplanes.