December 30, 2016 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen | 0 Comments
Serena Williams is getting married. If you had her pegged for a husband her physical equal, meaning a Big John Stud or perhaps Optimus Prime, you were wrong. If you had her pegged for a guy she could peg, collect your two hundred. Williams announced her engagement to Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian. Ohanian is one of those slender bearded millennial techs who has no desire for personal fortune or Bill Gates like corporate domination. Hence, his bank account is paltry compared to his Ted Talk count.
The Williams-Ohanian marriage will test my completely non-scientific theory that the healthy basis of every male-female relationship is the knowledge that if push came to shove, the man could push and shove harder than the woman. Not that you ever want to lay hands upon your wife. Nor do you want to use that Four Horseman bunker you dutifully maintain in your sub-basement. But you sleep better during Sino-Soviet rifts knowing it’s there. Your blushing bride flexing her twenty-four inch pythons while she helicopters you over her head and laughs jauntily at your futility could put the natural order into a state of unease. Gnus eating lions. This isn’t about sexism, this is about the savannah going to hell.
Remember to say how goddess like Serena’s engorged lats look billowing beneath her diaphanous Vera Wang. Not calling her beautiful means you support the rape culture. Also, you’re getting shitty seats at the wedding.
Photo Credit: Snapchat/Instagram