Whore Beating Off To Von Miller

Elizabeth Ruiz, the woman accused of extorting Von Miller for $2.5 million over their sex tape now says she only kept the video so she could use it for masturbation. That’s a clever excuse, sounds like your lawyer sucks. You’d have to wonder how this whole thing got started. Clearly, Von Miller devised an elaborate story to get word of his sex tape out to the general public. He really wanted the whore he fucked in Cancun’s Insta page to blow up. It’s a makeshift charity he’s running. Or, you got caught engaging in felonious behavior and now you’re walking it back. Miller has already filed documents to prevent Ruiz from releasing the video. She says she never planned to and his lawyers just offered her money for it out of the blue. Miller clearly has access to good attorneys. Why would they do that? 

All of this is making it really hard to enjoy your next homemade sex tape. You’ve really got to trust the person. The person you just met in Cancun who blew you in the bathroom. It’s amazing Miller has become such a great player while so lacking in judgement, but we all do stupid things when we’re drunk. Being a woman of the night, Ruiz is most likely street savvy enough to pick up on this. Let’s do another shot. She dumps hers into the potted cactus and pulls out her bejeweled phone. You know what would be fun? You know how you think about baseball when you’re trying not to blow a load? Think about this chick when you’re in Vegas and some chick pulls out an Alexa. 

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}