Maddie Ziegler Memoirs Coming, Hang On

Maddie Ziegler is the prepubescent dancing sensation who made virtual angry love to Shia LaBeouf in numerous disturbing Sia music videos about child rape and unicorns. She’s been the center of attention on the past six years of Dance Moms, the reality show on Lifetime featuring little girls in sports bras and nude bodysuits with horrible stage moms. It’s extremely healthy if you discount all the social and hard sciences. Odds are she grows up to be a perfectly normal woman who prefers to sleep under tables.

Ziegler’s writing a tell-all memoir due out in March and it’s going to shake the foundations of both Dance Moms and her pedophile fan base. Fourteen seems like the right time for a memoir. Or eighth grade if you’re a traditionalist. “The Maddie Diaries: A Memoir” is expected to contain information on troubled dance studio instructor Abby Lee Miller. Miller runs the studio featured in Dance Moms and she’s currently facing two to three years behind bars for bankruptcy fraud. The margins on running girls is being killed by all this imported child sex trafficking. Fuck you, Bangladesh. You ruined Pittsburgh. 

In the memoir, Ziegler, 14, will “answer her fans’ burning questions with wise advice she’s learned on her journey.

Fourteen year olds are flush with wise advice. Watch the People’s Choice Awards or the Jenner Girls social media accounts to confirm. Taylor Swift for President. Yes, she actually would be better. In the old days, moms exploited their pretty daughters in song and dance for money and smiled quietly because they knew you kept your dance with the Devil on the down low. Highlighting child exploitation seems like an inherently bad idea. Even China pretends they have a sixteen and over rule in their factories. Think Guangdong. 

_{Photo credit: Maddie Ziegler}