Angelina Jolie Eats A Tarantula

February 21, 2017 | celebrity | matt-ralston | 0 Comments

Angelina Jolie appears to be doing some image rehab since it became pretty obvious she was lying about Brad Pitt hitting his kid. She had zero concern involving her adopted brood into her own psychological turmoil in an effort to get back at her father. This is something only a really horrible person or a very scarred and crazy person would do. Or the Hiroshima of cuntiness, a crazy bitch with an ego. Jolie went to Cambodia where she harvests children Matrix style from a plant near the sugar mill. 

She has an upcoming film called First They Killed My Father about Cambodian genocide. Sounds like a great date movie. It will most certainly wallow in schmaltz and lose a ton of money, but Jolie is allowed to keep making shitty movies out of sheer privilege and knowing a lot of people with money. The Coen Brothers probably have a lot of political causes close to their heart. But their movies need to actually be good ever other time. Jolie is like a high school sophomore who just discovered Henry Rollins and has an inexplicable budget to make a movie about her feelings. 

Jolie appeared very emaciated while doing an extended interview about her divorce and how much she loves the people of Cambodia. If only she could remove them all from their country and take them to America and eliminate the country of Cambodia. She attempted to prove herself by pulling a stunt where she showed the unsuspecting BBC host how to eat a tarantula, which probably turned her on because she’s really fucked up and hasn’t had regular old intercourse in years. Afterwards she retreated to the nearby fenced off Four Seasons to cut herself and wish curses on her ex lovers with the help of Hades. 

If you’ve never seen a formerly beautiful woman eat a tarantula, it’s somewhat of a shock to the system. It brings back flashes of Michael Jordan in a Wizards uniform or Corey Haim’s E! True Hollywood Story. It makes you feel like the bad one just for being repulsed. Not that there’s anything wrong with eating tarantulas. If you’re hungry, do what you have to do. Witnessing a marginally talented humorless rich woman doing it on camera makes you want to run to the corner store for a forty of Mickey’s, searching for answers to what went wrong in the world. It’s in this state of weakness that you meet women like Angelina Jolie. You’re not that rich. You’re safe.

Photo Credit: BBC 

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