Artie Lange Can’t Shake the Beast

The final stage of kicking heroin is death. Artie Lange has gone for the end game, but came up short even after chugging bleach and hacking his wrists bloody. Guessing Lange’s age based on his candid photos is a great drinking game. Also an ironic one. Nobody chooses under 50. He looks like a Middle Earth character that’s been living for eons beneath a rock. Only those characters had needed information.

Lange got arrested once again by his local Hoboken cops while sampling cocaine and heroin in the parking garage of his residential building. It’s unclear if they were tipped off or merely come by twice a week for a super high probability bust. According to Lange himself, the cops were extremely polite and by the book. Practice makes perfect.

Lange assured his social media followers there wasn’t much new here:

Hey guys. I was arrested. I’m doing great. Physically too! I’m in St. Louis & will be on stage this weekend at The Funnybone! Love u all!..

Lange is the classic example for proponents of legalizing all drugs. He likes his shit, couldn’t quit if he wanted to, and wastes time and energy of the justice system being arrested, processed, and occasionally jailed. He’s also white, fat, and funny. According to research, skinny black dude speedballing is still polling at Not In My Backyard.

Start that Lange drinking game soon. There’s not a ton of time left. 

_{Photo credit: FameFlynet}