Tyler: All my friends use tinder to get laid, but it never works for me. I’m not the best looking dude, but not the worst either. What am I doing wrong?
No offense, but if you are not getting laid off Tinder you may not be the best looking guy. But I have a solution. First, get a separate text-app phone number. Then go online and find a guy similar in age, hair color, eye color, and height, but who is much better looking than yourself. Make a fake Facebook and sign up for Tinder using his pics. Then start swiping.
If you pick a guy that’s good looking enough you will get a lot of matches. When you do talk, talk about things your matches may be a little insecure about (body, face, tattoos, piercings, education, job). Anything you think they may not be confident in. But then make a few jokes and ask them on a date. Make sure it’s at a bar on a Friday. Give them your new text-app number.
Now let’s say you set the date up for 6pm. At 5:55pm text her from the text-app number to tell her you’re running a bit late. Tell her to grab a drink at the bar and you will be right there. When she sits down you sit right next to her. Obviously, she won’t recognize you because she will be looking for the Tinder guy. Then make small talk with her. Make sh*t up, tell her how you were there with your work friends because you just got a huge promotion. She will probably be nice but tell you how she is waiting for her date. All the while she will be texting your text-app line wondering what time “you” will be getting there.
At about 7:15, discreetly text her from your text-app line again and say, “I am so sorry, my dog is so sick I have to take him to the vet and I just can’t make it tonight. Sorry!” At that point she will have some kind of reaction. She is all dressed up, make-up done, hair done, and drove all the way to a restaurant to meet this guy she was excited to meet up with and probably f*ck.
Right then look at her and ask, “What’s wrong?” She will probably tell you how she got stood up. Tell her your friends from work already left after happy hour and how you were just going to grab a bite at the bar and go home. Then just say, “You are already all dressed up and I haven’t really celebrated my promotion yet to the fullest, why not let me buy you dinner.” It will work. She will say yes.
Later in the date text her one last time from the text-app and say something like, “My dog wasn’t really sick, I had a second look at your pics and I’m not sure that I’m attracted to you. Sorry.” At this point her self-esteem with be very low. Right then throw her a small compliment in person. Tell her you are ordering shots to celebrate. Order tequila, it makes the elastic in women’s underwear loose. Then take her home and f*ck her. This works. The end.