CHiPs Movie Reviews Hard to Come By

Warner Bros. isn’t allowing reviews of their R-rated screen adaptation of the 70’s TV show CHiPS less than two days now from release. This is like when the dog dies. Don’t tell Timmy until after the Little League game if you want him to rap a couple hits. 

CHiPs is written and directed by Dax Shepard who has no known accomplishments as a writer or director. Shepard’s taken a couple stabs outside his ‘dumbfounded guy’ pigeonhole. There’s a reason why pigeonholes were invented. Sharing your addiction stories in US Weekly gets you in the door. Refusing to wed your girlfriend until gay marriage is the law of the land gets you a real shot. But you need to eventually make a movie the studios don’t have to pretend they didn’t make or the trailer with Sting on the BOSE surround sound goes away.

Everything we know about the CHiPs movie is from the trailers and people who’ve leaked info after seeing the rough cuts. Anticipate an uneasy amount of crotch jokes. Also, gun play. Both of which have upset CHiPs TV leads Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada who never did groin kicks or shoot ’em ups during the run of their show. This is more work for Kristen Bell, who continues to co-star with her husband because he’s super amazing and would never ask her to be topless. Even in the bedroom when it’s time to cry and make children. Bell’s never been topless onscreen. How is that even possible? There’s so much to hate about these two.

Power Rangers had the guts to allow for reviews of their shitty movie adaptation of a campy TV show. It got mixed to poor reviews. Or merely poor reviews if you take out the bonus points for the openly gay Ranger. A college kid stuck his hands down Shepard’s pants when he was nine. Is that enough? It’s going to be close.