Criss Angel Beat By Straitjacket

March 13, 2017 | celebrity | matt-ralston | 0 Comments

Why is it whenever you criticize someone for being an ass you’re labeled a hater? Aren’t you supposed to talk shit about annoying people? If you’re unfortunate enough to be somewhat familiar with the life of Chris Brown, why would you not hate him? This is just a simplistic thing idiots say when they’re beat in a conversation and realize they’ve been duped by the man. 

You’ve got to kind of hate Criss Angel. If for no other reason than this glam rock tool was given a TV show called Mindfeak where he purported to do magic. To say the show was heavily edited would be an understatement. People thought movies were magic around the turn of the 20th century, retarded people apparently still did in the mid 2000’s. His name is Christopher Sarantakos. Christopher. Not Criss. Even the spelling of his name makes you want to punch the eyeliner off of him. 

Many thinking men face an existential crisis. Dress like Criss Angel and fuck dumb chicks or push through life with a modicum of self respect. You can just see him hitting on chicks at the bar, monotone, same stupid sleight of hand trick over and over. The quarter is between your tits. Heavy eye contact. What’s the difference between acting like a dark magician and acting like a rapist? 

Angel is still performing his show at the Luxor in Vegas for culturally illiterate Russian oligarchs and those pathetic guys who actually take escorts out on the town instead of just cumming in their hair. 

He was rushed to the ER on Friday after he passed out while being suspended in midair while in a straitjacket. This happened ten minutes into the show. He reportedly struggled with the jacket for two minutes, appeared to go limp, and the curtains closed as they lowered his lifeless body to the ground and the guests were ushered out. 

You know that everyone who attends this show is falls outside millennial because apparently nobody caught a video, which would have probably supplanted Vince Carter’s dunk contest as the greatest thing that ever happened to Youtube. 

Criss Angel will be fine and continue banging hot dumb ass. Just be grateful you don’t have to remove your bracelets to take a shower and if he ever hits on your chick in Vegas you’ve got this story in your back pocket. Tell us about the time you passed out wrestling that fake straitjacket, also your roots are showing. 

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