Hide Your Gold

Every holiday is some excuse to eat and drink to excess. They used to be more about things like Jesus being born and resurrected, battles for Independence, or mystical happenings. Now they’re trips to BevMo for themed cocktail mixes. This is in no way a criticism.

St. Patrick’s Day in particular is organized heavily around sad songs and booze. Most people don’t know the songs. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Not technically true, but the Irish-Catholics reproduce in staggering volume so it’s mostly true. Irish bars open extra early on St. Patrick’s Day for the highly observant.

If you’re not slurring out your interpretation of the driving snakes out of Ireland mythology by 4pm, you’ve failed your AOH entry exam. A fist fight before sundown can save your grade. Make sure it’s over a slight that will seem incredibly petty when sober the next morning. Vomit on somebody else’s shoes and have sex with a random fat girl with freckles. This is not the day to be thoughtful.

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_{Photo credit: http://www.stpatsparade.org/ (above) / FameFlynet (below)}