Amy Schumer Swindles With $2K Mattress

Amy Schumer has clawed her way back into the news. This time she bought a random $2,000 mattress. At one point she flung herself in front of Kanye and Kim on the red carpet. Schumer can’t differentiate. This weekend she desperately had to pee while jogging in Chicago. Pee being the code word for take a heaping dump. She popped into Six Corners Mattress Firm, where an employee let her go to town on their bathroom. In return, Schumer bought the store employee a $2K mattress. Yay, a mattress. Something I never expected to own working in a mattress store. A trailing Schumer assistant held a knife to the employee’s throat and told her to spread the word of her benevolence. 

Bud Light recently featured Amy Schumer in their ads. Blue collar workers in Western Pennsylvania love shrill unappealing women who make fun of them. Schumer stars in her own successful Comedy Central show and received $9 million for her memoir, The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo. $2K is to Amy Schumer what a free promotional keychain for a local bank is to most of the world. One woman got a free mattress. The other got priceless publicity. You decide who’s the winner. The employee, Sagine Lazarre, tells WGN Chicago:

It’s amazing, mind blowing. I’m still shocked. She comes out of the bathroom and asks me which one of these (mattresses) is my favorite. She told me she wanted to buy it for me. And I was so shocked! The lady that was right there talking to me is Amy Schumer. It was amazing. Unbelievable.

Schumer’s reps confirmed the story, within three seconds. Lazarre will continue to make minimum wage. The $2K mattress in her walkup apartment serves as a daily reminder of crippling class disparity. She’ll stare at the door waiting for her next savior to come. They won’t. Reality hurts. Bud Light and some Amy Schumer comedy albums might help. Drink first.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}