Congress Found Out a Guy Got Dragged Off a Plane

Leave it to Congress to hold an on-camera hearing a month after a viral news story grips Americans wasting time at work. 

The U.S. House Transportation and Infrastructure committee, which has tons of free time thanks to a bang up job over the past fifty years, grilled the CEO of United Airlines about dragging the down low opioid pushing Dr. David Dao bloody off one of United’s airplanes on April 9th. United’s since paid off Dao to an undisclosed amount of cash and twink hookers to describe the incident as a “silly misunderstanding” forevermore.

The Congressional committee invited executives from other airlines to sit idly by for show as they pin-cushioned Oscar Munoz to build their video montage moments for their websites. Munoz was repeatedly interrupted by outraged representatives as he attempted to spit out various long form mea culpas and shed a single tear down his right cheek:

For the last three weeks, I have spent literally every single day thinking about how we got to this point. What chain of events culminates into the injury of a customer and the loss of trust in so many more.

Maybe you could’ve spent one day making your seats smell less like ass?

Nobody was allowed to ask Congress why they allowed for massive consolidation in the airline industry via anti-trust exception mergers that led to far fewer carriers and less competition. United can bloody a reach around felonious senior citizen doctor every now and then because you still need them to get to Chicago. And you still want to get there cheaply.

Munoz’ primary solution was to give upset or bumped passengers more money to shut the fuck up. It’s not a bad idea since it’s proven to work every single time. Case in point, Dr. David Dao. You can do a lot of damage with ten grand at an airport bar. Half the flight attendants will hop off the flight to hang with you. At least two will accompany you back to the airport Sheraton. Another Transportation and Infrastructure quagmire solved. Thank you, Congress. So underrated.

_{Photo credit: Getty Images}