Defendant Wants to Show His Dick to the Jury

Richard Patterson is running a long shot defense strategy up the flagpole in the murder cases against him in Florida. The sixty-five year old man is on trial for second degree murder after a sixty-year old woman was found dead in his place after sex. He waited 24-hours to call the cops, only after exchanging messages with his attorney and his daughter. And presumably a nap.

The client-attorney messages are off-limits, but one of the texts to his daughters clearly admits he choked his lady-friend to death. His defense is resting on the fact he never claimed he strangled her, merely that she choked to death. As Patterson claims, on his unduly large organ during oral.

To wit, Patterson’s defense attorney is insisting his client be allowed to display his cock to the jury so they can gasp and wonder if perhaps this bizarre accident actually happened. It’s unclear whose going to fluff Patterson. You can’t whip out a soft cock and expect to earn that gasp. This is your O.J. glove moment. It can’t fit. 

Celebrity pathologist Dr. Michael Baden claims in an interview that in all his years examining a shit ton of dead people, he’s never come across a person asphyxiated to death by a cock. 

“I’ve not seen it, that the penis alone will choke somebody to death. However, if there’s obstruction, it’s possible. And in order to choke to death, the penis has to obstruct the windpipe, probably down to the area of thyroid cartilage, or the Adam’s apple, for a period of time.”

Baden followed up by noting he’s seen a woman die from an air embolism after a man blew into her pussy during oral sex. It has nothing to do with this case, but that kind of super disturbing nugget is why Baden is American’s go-to coroner darling.

The unnamed culprit of this story has to be Viagra. It’s crippled Florida. Millions of retired men who previously settled for an occasional half-mast tug from a Burmese refugee are now powdering up the musket for advanced sexual adventure. God gave older men erectile dysfunction for a reason. So they’d never put all kinds of weird fucking on their bucket list. There’s a breach in the natural order. 

Everybody suggests it’s a grand finale when grandpa goes out fucking, but then lament the lost ten years of taking gramps to the ballgame to talk about how the Negros are ruining the sport. It should never have come to this. An old man whipping out his extend-o-shlong in a court of law. This is why people ignore jury summons.