As a workplace entity, Fox News is the Jenga tower of dick jokes and come-ons to female employees. You had to know somebody was going to pull a block that sent the entire edifice of triple chinned dudes with bad combovers crumbling. Roger Ailes was sent packing, as was Bill O’Reilly, and now co-President Bill Shine has resigned after twenty years. It’s like the Patriots losing Belichick, Brady, and the guy they hire to steal shit from other teams all at the same time.
It seems clear the near retirement age fatties at Fox News were intent to ride out their Mad Men proclivities until their golden parachute insured demise. Fox is being sued for ten million on account of me demoting chicks who wouldn’t sleep with me? Sucks for the shareholders. Where’s my suitcase full of legally obligated cash? My jet’s on the tarmac waiting to take me to a Middle Eastern country where I can grab checkout girls’ asses in the grocery store again.
Diana Falzone is the latest Fox News on-air personality to file a civil suit against the news network. The multi-year entertainment host claims that after authoring an article about a medical condition preventing her from having children, the network shut her down from all TV appearance, locked her out of the snack room, and told her to look for a new job. The thinking being that Fox News viewers want to believe the objects of their news affection might someday bear them children. That seems Cronenberg creepy, though likely one-hundred percent backed by psychological research.
Cable television news is so politically charged as a medium, it’s impossible to make a salient point about any of its shortcomings without a knee-jerk partisan retort. Fox News executives treat women like shit. That can’t be true, because Trump. You love Hillary. Ergo, Roger Ailes never asked Gretchen Carlson to touch his flaccid prune dong he himself hasn’t seen since 1978. If Terry Richardson were in Congress, half the country would have to call him a misunderstood saint.
I’m prepared to believe any allegation in kind against Fox News in the same way I believe everybody who claims they were punched in the face by an SEC defensive end at a Florida bar at two am. Guys all know what happens when a bunch old dudes hire a bunch of younger women to work for them in short skirts and low cut tops. We’ve all seen the Slave Leah scene in Jedi.
Bring out the checkbook, Rupert, and say you’re sorry. Don’t say it’ll never happen again, because that’s mildly offensive.