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Jessica Andrade Had a Plan

May 15, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen | 0 Comments

UFC 211 held a number of magical moments on Saturday evening, only half of which will be later retroactively revoked by way of positive PED tests. Jessica “The Pile Driver” Andrade had planned to become the second openly gay champion in UFC history, or the 452nd non-openly gay UFC champion overall when accounting for the fact that every single UFC chick is a lesbian.

Andrade fell short, having her ass handed to her in five consecutive rounds by Joanna Jedrzejczyk, the highest scoring Scrabble last name ever. After bitter defeat, Andrade straightened her shaved head and asked her girlfriend, Fernanda Gomes, to marry her. Gomes said yes. It was somewhere between a ballpark Jumbotron proposal and an LGBTQ Rocky. 

The UFC was quick to note that Andrade’s girlfriend Gomes was a biologist, because you didn’t think submissive girlfriends of cracked nosed shaved head chicks who go by Pile Driver could be women of science. Stay with that assumption. You’ll be more right than wrong.

As with Hollywood, the UFC won’t make true advances in gay acceptance until some of its prominent male fighters come out of the closet. Everybody knows muscular chicks who don’t give a shit about messing up their faces are long since over the male gaze. What isn’t known are the handful of big named UFC dudes who love dudes. Tough to tell in a sport where Speedo clad dervishes mount and rape each other into submission. Protective cups shield more than merely physical injury.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Tags: jessica andrade




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