Lena Dunham Finding Not Fat a Challenge

Us Weekly’s new cover features a picture of Lena Dunham with the caption 20 Slimdown Diet Tips Stars Are Using. Readers are confused. Dunham is neither thin nor a star. But the original caption “20 Soft Serv Body Tips From an Aging Brooklyn Hipster” wouldn’t sell. Dunham did not sanction this cover.

Dunham revealed her own 20 diet tips on Instagram. Fans of lazy, capitalistic, self-pitying, unhinged protests will be moved. Others will vomit up their intestines. So the diet tips work. Also, Dunham isn’t amusing anymore now that she’s less fat, which was her sole shtick. 

20 slimdown diet tips!
1. anxiety disorder *
2. resultant constant nausea
3. an election that reveals the true depths of American misogyny
4. constant sweaty dreams of dystopian future
5. abdominal adhesions pinning ovary below uterus *
6. baseless but still harrowing threats to physical safety online and through smail mail
7. watching institutions you love from Planned Parenthood to PBS be threatened by cartoon mustache-twirling villains
8. finally realizing superheroes aren’t real (specifically the X-Factor, really thought they’d handle this)
9. marching your ass off
10. a quiet rage that replaces need for food with need for revenge
11. sleeping 19 hours a day
12. realizing that even the liberal media wants dem clicks no matter whut
13. worrying ceaselessly about the health and safety of women you know and women you don’t
14. realizing who ya real friends are
15. having to switch from Uber to Lyft (lots of calories burned trying to understand a new app, then even more trying to understand if the conflict was resolved)
16. bladder spasms, urinary frequency and urgency *
17. having your phone number leaked and violent images texted to your phone by randos under names like VERYFATCHUCKYBOY@creepz.com
18. keeping your back arched against the wind
19. um, who the f*ck cares?
20. I have no tips I give no tips I don’t want to be on this cover cuz it’s diametrically opposed to everything I’ve fought my whole career for and it’s not a compliment to me because it’s not an achievement thanx
*star indicates a pre-existing condition

US Weekly was recently acquired by the National Enquirer. To say it will become more fictitious and tawdry makes you wonder if that’s even possible. Dunham needs to see these demeaning cover stories as a blessing is disguise. She needs to continually rally her overweight heterosexually unsuccessful fans.

Dunham can no longer claim to be fat. She lost weight. She must own that healthy decision and its horrible repercussions to her career. But she can still be a victim of society. Her bread and butter. Self-proclaimed feminist icons need positive publicity to clap back at. Hollywood is now 90% clapping back at the h8ers and 10% Alexandra Daddario’s boobs. 

Chubby celebrities need to be airbrushed so they can condemn a publication for making them look fuckable. Dunham needs to contest the editorial integrity of a magazine found next to pictures of Donald Trump’s illegitimate alien butt baby in the checkout lane. Grasping at straws has never looked so brave.

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}