Erin Moran Had Official Cancer

The coroners report officially concluded that Erin Moran died of squamous cell carcinoma, not drugs as Scott Baio and numerous other evil demons like myself jumped to conclude. Simply because a woman roams the streets as a homeless junkie doesn’t mean she died of drugs. Not if you’re being literal.

Shameless side-jumping I-told-you-so’s are trolling the Internet with Moran’s zero drug toxicology report. Hurray, she died of cancer. It’s almost like her previous years of hard partying and self-medicating saved her life.

Drug addicts die of all kinds of things not specifically related to drugs. Once you’re broke and on the street hustling for a fix, all sorts of dangers befall you. Once you’re super high, an AIDS needle or tainted ass seems like a nothing. As does laying exposed in the sun all day long smoking found butts. Wonder if that has any connection to bad shit growing in your throat? Sometimes a crack addict simply falls down the stairs.

The sober juicers of Brentwood call in medical SWAT if a microscopic off-colored dot appears on their shoulder. Imagine a depressed rehabber stowed up in the rural hills might let some shit go. When they say the cancer took her fast, they mean once it had spread beyond treatment.

Anybody kicked out of their trailer park in their 50’s for excessive partying unofficially died of drugs, no matter the medical examiner’s official conclusion. Doubly so for former child stars. Pyrrhic victory comes to mind for those excited by the fact Moran wasn’t hitting the pipe in the final weeks of her metastization. 

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