Lindsay Lohan Invites Beyoncé To Her Birthday Party

The woman who fell through the cracks of society and then got gnawed on by sewer rats before being flushed out to sea “has major plans for her upcoming birthday!” according to news sites. Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter to send out a birthday invite to Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Beyoncé. Complete with a rosy-cheeked smiley face. A jittery makeup-smeared Lohan waiting in her party dress for Beyoncé to bust through the door with twins in tow. Goodbye world, it’s been hit or miss:

#nicegirls @britneyspears @parishilton come to #mykonos for my birthday this weekend @Beyonce you too

Molly Ringwald’s character didn’t whip out a megaphone in Sixteen Candles to spread the world she’s a forgettable freak. But she didn’t have Twitter. Lohan is reaching for the stars with these invites. Stars that might mistake her for a refried Raggedy Ann doll. Paris Hilton would show up to the opening of a car wash in Ohio in exchange for a bump. But even she seems like a longshot for Lohan.

A lack of shame in Hollywood is usually a plus. Unabashedly project fame and you become famous. Or fuck Ray-J on camera while projecting fame. Or get Lyme Disease. But the glassy eyed stepchild of shameless – desperate – doesn’t sell. Lohan is the wheezing hobo that limps towards you while rattling a 7-Eleven cup containing 41 cents in small coins. Not a compelling sales pitch. Make me want to be a part of your world.

The assumption is that against our perception, fallen celebrities like Lohan are somewhat tethered to some fucked up fragment of reality. Moments like this signal otherwise. At least when I tweet “@arielwinter sit on my face” I know I have a shot. 

Lohan also posted a since-deleted Instagram with the caption:

My birthday #trump tweet – Emma stone.. can we film a movie called “Mean girls 2? together? I think we would be friends. It would be #sofetch #wearpink #SickNote

Maybe Lohan is just flexing her social media knowhow. Leveraging big names for valuable headline real estate is a classic. But something about Lohan doesn’t scream showbiz savvy. Maybe it’s her drug-fueled abortion of a career. My wish for Lindsay is that she finds the right chemical cocktail to believe Beyoncé attends her birthday. Along with Emma Stone and God and Jesus. They can all do coke and then flash their taints while exiting cars. Like the good ‘ol times. Sweet dreams, Birthday Girl.  

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_{Photo Credit: Instagram}