Miley Cyrus took to Instagram with a bikini picture that proves you’d probably fuck her despite your protestations. The singer can be seen sucking down her day’s worth of calories in a red swimsuit alongside two of her captives. The beginning-of-summer bikini selfie is as quintessential to a celebrity as sweaty gym checkups. We have to make sure they’re in working condition before we decide if they need to be tossed in the landfill. At twenty-four Cyrus’ next few years should be a breeze. The betting line will change sharply after thirty.
Cyrus is in the middle of her drug-free soulful country rebirth. Impossible without a thigh gap that’s at least two inches. Cyrus’ Bangerz era was defined by titty flashes and helping Terry Richardson climax by swinging around nude on a gigantic ball. Now she’s balancing “do-able” with a pared down demonstration of her talent. The music video for Malibu features Cyrus manically tugging at her clothes for four minutes without actually taking them off. That’s restraint. Billy Ray texted her with a sad face emoji. Did your childhood mean nothing?
Lady Gaga’s country-ish Joanne era is defined by her thirty extra pounds. We appreciate raw talent when it’s thin. Her body selfies on Instagram became more of a defiant stance against the male gaze than demonstrations of a light eating disorder. No one’s buying it. A MiCyrus captions her bikini-clad Instagram post with:
Summmmmer is heeeeerrrre! Bring on Z fruit , sunshine (always spf) , & goooood times!
You have to admire her pubescent exuberance. Although you wonder if that’s her only option. Refusing to get a boob job makes me feel like we’re forever saying goodbye.
Photo Credit: Instagram