Jessica Simpson Topless Birthday Ass Kissing

Birthday girl Jessica Simpson appears as an interchangeable Real Housewife in a new topless Instagram post with the caption “Kiss My Butt 36.” Kiss it? I’ll devour it. Kidding. Simpson’s body is back on track after years of Mariah Carey-worthy smoke and mirrors in strategic poses and industrial strength girdles. Smoke and funhouse mirrors. While her famous tits are smushed up against the pool float in this new picture, we can verify that Simpson’s ass has held up. 

Simpson is a somewhat under-the-radar celebrity who doesn’t get the recognition she deserves. She harnessed the power of big tits and turned them into a career. By the time she sacrificed her already at risk body to children and her Daisy Dukes turned into barely visible ass floss, Simpson had already created her billion dollar fashion line. As fashionable as one can get with fifty dollar heels made of cardboard and hot glued rhinestones. Know your audience. This Texas native understands the nuanced style of trash.

More than her pop star contemporaries from the teen slut factory that was the late 90’s, Simpson has been able to lead a normal life without ups, downs, rehab, head shaving, and stupored stumbling on a Las Vegas stage. I guess I’m just talking about Britney Spears. Simpson adapts. Her product wasn’t selling. So she started hawking the Jessica Simpson Collection. Now she gets to show off her body for shits and giggles. Not to add a meta melancholic twist to “I’m A Slave 4 U” while twirling on stage with applesauce running down her chin. I would quote one of Simpson’s songs right here to be funny. But no one remembers any of them.

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}