Rebel Wilson Looks Good

Amy Schumer’s declaration of unbridled womanhood comes in the form of thirty fascinatingly distributed extra pounds visible in these new pictures from her jog in New York City. If sprinting to get in line for the newest Big Apple pastry sensation is jogging. Schumer will be the first to tell you that she is not plus sized. Can’t you tell? Are you a woman-hating bigot? She’s a petite size six. A delicate flower weighed down by the smallest drop of dew. 

The thirty-six-year-old barrels, I mean, frolics with elfin charm, down the streets of New York City in black workout shorts and a white shirt rolled down into a potato sack tube top. Those of you wondering what giving up looks like should take notice. What could be a fresh post-workout glow suddenly looks like it has a very specific odor to it. When you come back from vacation and realize you forgot to empty out the garbage. Containing… I’m getting a whiff… discarded hamburger meat and a diaper.   

Schumer believes herself to be closer contemporaries to Taylor Swift than Rebel Wilson or Ashley Graham. A faux feminist revelation fighting for the right for others to be self-accepting blimps. But not herself. The fact that her efforts have put her career first and all other women fifty-thousandth is the best-kept secret in Hollywood. But mess with Schumer and you mess with what it means to be a modern-day gal. Assured yet teetering on a mental breakdown. Schumer can smile confidently knowing these pictures will garner headlines like “Amy Schumer’s Sexy Workout!” and “Schumer Slams The Haters With Revealing Top!” because people are too afraid to write “Dump Truck Attack.”

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