Viagra Pulls Out

The NFL stands at risk of only making ten bazillion dollars next year in advertising as truck companies realize those Chevy real people not actors commercials are super creepy and Viagra and Cialis are now ditching football.

The traditional advertising business is slowly dying. Though like your fucked up granduncle with the stoma. Wasn’t he on his deathbed fifteen Thanksgivings ago? He’s still kicking out Chink jokes with reckless abandon in 2017. He’s 88. Cancer isn’t what it used to be. That’s television advertising. A slow death means thirty years. 

Cialis and Viagra are slated this year to lose their exclusive patent. Meaning, Heisenberg can start producing the very same erection enhancers in his garage and sell them to CVS for twenty cents on the blue pill dollar. Pfizer won’t be spending forty million a year to show you that hot chick in her football jersey who’s boyfriend can’t get it up for hot chicks in football jerseys anymore. Those pills used to run you fifteen bucks a hardon. Now they’ll be ninety-nine cents at the 7-Eleven. Slurpee, jerky, hard dick pill. Would you be needing a bag?

The media landscape is changing. Young people don’t watch TV or read magazines or newspapers anymore. It’s unclear what they do, save for outrage, weeping, and lamenting how reproduction means the Lorax is right. They sure as shit aren’t buying Chevy’s. And soft dicks are now considered in vogue. How can I can be hard when the Inuits whaling waters are rising in temperature? I don’t know. I fucked an Eskimo woman once and she screamed so loud the orcas decided to live for another thousand years. It’s a mystery. 

You don’t want to live in a world without the NFL. Even if you’re not a fan, there’s no way to imagine a place that isn’t horrible and smelling of lilac.