Highly fuckable women and ugly fuck billionaire men go together like Katy Perry and detrimental career choices, and the pairing was never so ungodly as with Amber Heard and Chaz Bono’s mansipration, Elon Musk. The Tesla brainiac and the blonde tit factory have been milking their capitalistic pairing for all it’s worth, starting with Amber Heard’s sincere Insta breakup announcement on Tuesday, August 8th:
Being in the public eye means having to explain yourself to so many people, so much of the time. In this case, I’d like to remain more quiet. Although we have broken up, Elon and I care deeply for one another and remain close. Thank you for the continued support, respect, and privacy during these difficult, very human times.
To which Chaz responded:
Btw, just to clear up some of the press storm this weekend, although Amber and I did break up, we are still friends, remain close and love one another. Long distance relationship when both partners have intense work obligations are always difficult, but who knows what the future holds.
Now the duo is accusing us of misinterpreting ambiguous terms like “break up” to mean that they’re breaking up. Duh. We should have known that the fame stunt translation is “break up… unless people forget about us in three days.” Which, we did. The updated statement released Friday, August 11th reads:
Having read recent articles about our relationship, we would like to speak for ourselves. The distance has been really tough on our relationship, because we haven’t been able to see each other much. All relationships have their ups and downs, of course.
People occasionally send out speculation, which has no basis in fact, without our knowledge, believing that that they have our best interests in mind. Sometimes, other agendas are at work. It can get a little weird… However, we would like to state directly that we have the utmost respect for one another, and it would be troubling if anyone had the impression that we thought otherwise.
As a closing note, it is worth bearing in mind that events are always amplified and dramatized in a high profile relationship, whether the people involved like it or not (and we definitely don’t). The reality is that this is just a normal relationship with a giant magnifying glass applied.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Medium magnifying glass. You’re filler until Jay-Z sleeps with one of his kids or Lena Dunham eats a dog. The thirty-one-year-old Heard is coming off of a complex relationship with the back of Johnny Depp’s hand and might find security and stability in the arms of someone who looks like a potato. His billions can’t hurt. The Tesla CEO finds that although Heard is expensive, you can get a lot of mileage out of her. Together, they’re just fucking awful.
Photo Credit: Instagram, Getty Images, Mr. Skin