Bonnie Tyler Books an Eclipse Gig

There have only ever been two reasons to embark on a cruise ship. Gambling in international waters and endless drink tickets. Three if you happen to love gay sex and dwell in a red state. Now add a Royal Caribbean Total Eclipse Cruise which for two minutes and forty seconds, will feature 66-year old Welsh singer, Bonnie Tyler, belting out her 80’s hit, Total Eclipse of the Heart. Backed by Joe Jonas’ band. There are some things in life you simply can’t put a price on. Though this one starts at $895 for steerage.

People seem to be gearing up big time for the upcoming solar eclipse. Like fashioning Stonehenge, only by way of Facebook updates outdoing one another with Winnebago plans northward. The last time people were this interested in Oregon, it was a name on a map of people leaving St. Louis in 1804. American history jokes never work. Not since they stopped teaching American history in schools.

Eclipses had powerful meaning when primitives were certain it meant God was angry and we needed to burn more virgins. Less so when explained in depth by cable news taking breaks from outrage over everything. You could strongly mimic the process of traveling to a 10x priced AirBnb by simply holding aloft a circular piece of cardboard and slowly moving it across the sun’s location in the sky. Billions of hours of porn are consumed weekly and nobody seems to care that’s merely the cardboard cut out version of sex. Also, free.

If you find yourself aboard the Total Eclipse Cruise weeping as Bonnie Taylor croons her melancholy chorus, you might consider this the signal that the Lord of the Sky is calling you home. You lack irony and you’ll never be helpful. Turnaround, bright eyes. Right over the rail. There are no klaxons for the stupid. 

Photo Credit: Splash News