If you’re a diva attention whore and you’re not feuding with another diva attention whore, are you even a diva attention whore? This is the fame ho existential conundrum Lady Gaga Inc. touches on in new teaser footage for her Netflix documentary Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two. Madonna harkens from a time when the Chattanooga Choo Choo was all the rage, and even though she’s slowed down the hands of time by sleeping in a jar of chloroform at night and replacing body parts with those of the undead, this so-called feud has to be confusing for the poor thing. Who is this Lady Gaga? Why is a representative for Bud Light talking about me? I’m scared and alone and I have rights.
A day after Katy Perry’s shitty video for non–fued fued song Swish Swish was topped by Taylor Swift’s new Edgar Allen Ho single Reputation, Gaga decided to do a hail Mary with this Netflix tease. Her Joanne-era was over before it began, and rehashing beef with refried corpse Madonna feels wildly desperate. Being the seasoned saleswoman that she is, Gaga lets the clip end mid-sentence, assuming that we care about the outcome:
The thing with, like, me and Madonna, for example, is that, I admired her always. And I still admire her, no matter what she might think of me. The only thing that really bothers me about her is that…
…She didn’t give me more material to steal? Yes, Lady Gaga has a good voice, but so do those exploited future coke head three-year-olds on Americas Got Talent belting out Lee Greenwood’s Proud To Be An American while their dads jack off to them backstage. I’d rather see Britney Spears lip syncing while doing her patented comatose twirls on stage than hear from the tired bitch brothel ever again. Spears’ only feud is with her shoelaces when she tries to tie them. That’s my kind of pop star.
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