Tiger Woods Toxicology Report Is a National Emergency

Every drug takes its turn in the National Emergency spotlight. Something has to kill you if it’s not overeating or dangerous sex. Opioids makes for a good one. It’s alcohol with a far less stalwart corporate denier. Big pharma can’t defend the quintupling of pain pill production with a straight face anymore.

The latest opioid abuser is nearly billionaire Tiger Woods. Everybody who knows anything about men who fuck porn actresses know that narcotics addiction is nestled in there somewhere. Sober men of means fuck Instagram stars with decent followings. Even Cosby ordered up non-pros for his red-eyes. Tiger Woods started with a bad back and numerous psychological issues, and self-medicated himself into a stupor. Or the exact opposite of what Woods’ attorney noted at the time of Woods’ arrest for being asleep at the wheel along a Florida highway this past May.

Woods pled guilty to a reduced charge of reckless driving, which he got to wave off with a trip to rehab. Such is the random good fortune of not killing somebody while driving in a comatose state. Toxicology reports were force-released by an ESPN public records request, revealing Woods blood contained zero alcohol. Though a nice cocktail of Vicodin, Dilaudid (Morphine derivative), Xanax, Ambien, and weed. Or what you’d inject into a wooly mammoth if you wanted to fuck it with it bucking.

It’s hard not to wistfully recall Heath Ledger’s prescription salad of Oxy, Vicodin, Xanax, Valium, and Unisom. The answer to Morpheus’ question about which pill isn’t, both. Also, what else you get? Different rabbit hole.

Woods likely had an RX for everything in his system, which is the scary part if you’re paying attention to how real problems largely go unaddressed. If he did drink, he’d probably be dead. Bless the athlete who thinks he’s working out back pain and insomnia issues and won’t touch the devil water. One day Woods is going to open up his childhood Pandora’s box and the entire world is going to hear the screams.