Michael Bay Edging Up Dora The Explorer

Michael Bay’s producing a live action Dora the Explorer movie in conjunction with Paramount. The cynical adaptation of tired material part makes sense. Every kids comic book and cartoon ever will be raped for branded launch pads for movies and rebooted TV shows. Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago and the most inventive indie movie producer is in fake sex rehab in Arizona awaiting multiple arrest warrants.

Why Michael Bay would take on the film version of a little Latina girls pre-K story is less explicable. Outside of the money, but Bay makes a ton of that elsewhere. He’s not hurting. Transformers itself was an 80’s cartoon and lunch box line Bay worked into almost a half dozen shitty but financially successful movies. He made Megan Fox enough money to support an out of work husband with vertigo and three kids. He even made Shia LaBeouf minimally charming for a period of time. No easy feat. Though the robots sucked.

Word is out already Dora will be “older” than in the original TV version. Knowing Bay, there are two ways to go with Dora. One, the version men might be willing to see. Dora is a barely legal sultry Mexican chick with big hooters and but one sheer unbuttoned Henley top in her wardrobe. Her backpack is filled with maps to hidden cartel cocaine. Boots is her monkey-brained coyote helping her outrun El Swiper and his Sinoloa assassins. Rocket launchers blasting holes in the Trump Border Wall. Dios mio!

The second option is a shitty PG movie that everybody hopes will make some Spy Kids like breakout noise, but ultimately will be an international aftermarket release. The first seems better, most especially accounting for the fact Bay makes movies in large part to fuck hot girls. It’s cool, he gives them jobs first. Disarms the whole quid pro quo stink.

Hollywood’s biggest problem isn’t sexual harassment and casting couch hummers. That wasn’t even an identified problem as of two weeks ago. It’s retread content. It’s like leftover food in the fridge. We know what you did there, mom. You melted shredded cheese on top and pretended it was new. We’ll eat it cause we’re hungry, but we’re not paying $14 a ticket and hiring a babysitter. 

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