Emma Roberts dazzles and delights as a technically thin and maybe sorta in shape sassy starlet for the new issue of Shape Magazine, where she gives up the hot deets on being boring lobotomized trash. My boss responded “but she’s in terrible shape” when I said I was going to cover Roberts’ spread for the magazine, which is amazing, and yeah, okay true. She has no muscle mass and could play the part of Veal #1 in a movie about the horrors of the meat industry. But in Hollywood you only need to have an eating disorder to be considered sexy, so just get in that mindset when checking out Roberts.
Pre-2013 Roberts was basically an interchangeable Julianne Hough-y cup of plain expired yogurt, but after she got arrested for beating and biting her boyfriend Evan Peters, the world started to see Roberts for the layered, edgy, multifascted woman that she is. Or she’s just a trashy domestic abuser. Either way, she’s thin. So remember, we like her. Considering the complete lack of tone in Roberts’ arms we at least know that the beating didn’t hurt Peters. Like getting hit with linguine.
Shape Magazine is the go-to publication for opiod-fueled upper middle class housewives to get all their lifestyle and fitness tips as they await the sweet release of death, and in addition to having obvious insight into conflict resolution, Roberts offers up a number of crucial life hacks. On a fascinating and risky stance on reading:
Reading is my form of self-care and medication. I set aside at least 20 minutes a day for it. Sometimes that turns into 30 minutes, an hour, two hours.
How you could go twenty-minutes a day without reading is a mystery, but that’s why we’re the students and she’s the teacher. On pretending to eat:
With my diet, I do what feels good for me at the time. I try not to say that I won’t eat something. Instead, I stay in tune with my body and my mind, and I think, ‘What do I feel like eating?’
On something else worth the $5.99 cost of an issue of Shape Magazine:
I’ve learned to step away from electronics and be fully present. If I’m going out to eat with friends or my boyfriend, I leave my phone at home so that I’m not reaching for it. It gives my brain room to breathe, and it feels really good.
But without her phone what can she use to hit her boyfriend with? Here’s Roberts stretching a lot to make her body look okay.
Photo Credit: Shape Magazine