Matt Lauer Sorry, But Also Not Sorry (VIDEO)

NBC’s formerly popular morning show Today is the end all be all place for boxed wine-fueled housewives to get their hot tips on how to use garlic… in desserts? Stay tuned for this and more brain dead dribble. And anyone tragic enough to follow the program over the past few decades knows that the long-time face of the show Matt Lauer is a real piece of shit. In fact, the more you read about him, the more you will genuinely hate him, which is why people don’t seem too torn up about the explosive sexual assault allegations being throw his way. This sentiment includes Matt himself, who released an apology for anyone he may have sexually harassed that’s about as sincere as an airline exec’s apology to a hurt customer. We’re so sorry we didn’t just kill you when we had the chance.

Lauer’s #MeThree moment isn’t especially shocking considering previous footage of his behavior that’s been circulating around the internet, as well as random fun facts about the workplace environment he cultivated. Things like – he had a button under his desk so he could lock women in his office. And he exposed himself to women. Because that’s apparently the M.O. of male celebrities. Need to try it out on my next date. You can even check out a clip of Lauer commenting on Meredith Vieira’s super sexy ass in the clip below. All was forgiven or at least tolerated pre-Weinstein, and pre-Matt Lauer going bald and looking like a letch penis, but now that the shit has hit the fan, he’s having to whip out his own #sorrynotsorry apology:

There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry. As I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappointment I have left behind at home and at NBC. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly. 

Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full time job. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at my own troubling flaws. It’s been humbling. I am blessed to be surrounded by the people I love. I thank them for their patience and grace.

“Untrue or mischaracterized.” AKA “Fuck you lying bitches.” Everyone was on their knees for Louis C.K.’s oopsies, did I do that? statement because supposedly he was the best at apologizing for sexual misconduct – a skill that’s celebrated in 2017 – but even he included the caveat that the women he harassed willingly invited his dick into their lives. Lauer systematically fucked over the women he didn’t automatically click with on Today, and was the mastermind behind Ann Curry’s infamous exit and “Operation Bambi.” NBC made him feel like a God, and why wouldn’t someone with unlimited power and no fear of repercussion freely comment on women’s asses and tits and grope them? We created these monsters, and now we have to act shocked at their behavior. I just want to know how many times Savannah Guthrie has gargled Matt’s load to keep her job while she watched the women around her drop like flies. Actually, I don’t want to know. 

 ^{Photo Credit: Today, TMZ}