The Internet only suffered minor damage after Paper Magazine declared that Nicki Minaj would be following in Kim Kardashian’s footsteps by breaking the Internet full stop with a new hypothetically buzz-worthy spread. Turns out it’s not even worth filing an insurance claim for. While I hate to even admit that Kim Kardashian is a human, you have to give her and the one of seemingly thousands of provocative one-word magazines props for actually stifling the ho-y competition when the world glimpsed the centaur’s scary shiny ass in 2014. Kardashian’s spread was… I guess in some capacity… please Jesus forgive me… iconic, whereas Minaj’s plays out like her Instagram Story on a Tuesday. Throw in the fact that everyone is currently obsessed over the fact that Louis C.K.’s penis is actually visible from under his Costco-sized ginger FUPA, and you have more or less a photo shoot that no one gives a shit about.
Throughout the spread, Minaj appears as her usual self, meaning she looks like she swallowed a life-sized decorative hourglass from Hobby Lobby, and Paper really beats the Minaj á trois angle to damn death by featuring Minaj pleasing her own chalupa enough times to make you ask “Can you pass HPV back and forth with yourself?” Paper doesn’t go all the way with this shoot, and proves that if you really want to make it into the headlines in the 2010’s you have to take risks and really ~go there~. Kardashian bared botched beav and tits. Hollywood is turning out the be the teen sex party we pretty much knew it always was. People are sweeping out the bomb shelters that came with their mid-century basement ranchers in preparation for tiny-dicked Kimmy’s next move. Nicki Minaj in pasties? That’s yesterday’s Paper.
Photo Credit: Paper Magazine