Open Post: How Much Would You Need To Get Paid Off To Be Sexually Assaulted?

December 15, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson | 0 Comments

You can slice and dice this question however you want, but basically I want to know your price, because everyone has one, and the amount of money that has exchanged hands through corporations and entertainment industry insiders in regards to assault is enough to incorporate a Rape Bank. 

Let’s assume the person accosting you is pretty gross, like John Goodman or Khloé Kardashian, because you can’t really be harassed by an attractive person. That’s called a compliment. Ideally, I would have a Gwenyth Paltrow-level of payoff from being victimized – she’s pretty much outlined my ideal trajectory in this hypothetical situation – but I’m going to be more realistic because this is serious business and I frankly need cash. So like, maybe $.50 for a catcall, $5 for an ass grab, and then all the way up to $500,000 to be completely defiled by Khloé Kardashian? And then of course the big one, to be full-blown Kevin Spacey-ed, $10,000,000? Or am I just flattering myself with that number. Oh and $10 to have Matt Lauer gift me a sex toy because I can sell it under “Celebrity Owned” on eBay. Name your price below, and if you say you don’t have one, congrats on being a lying pussy.  

Photo Credit: FX