Michael Douglas Preemptive Hollywood Masturbation Club Cardholder

January 16, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson | 0 Comments

Back in elementary school I called a horrible piece of shit kid a “son of a bitch” on the playground. But it turned out that he was the bitch, because he promised to tattle on me to the teacher. I, panicked, ran up to the teacher and preemptively lied – telling her that I called the kid a “son of a witch” and that he misheard me and was about to slander my good name. The woman, being a public school teacher in Appalachia making $25K a year and most likely high on meth, told us both to get bent. My point of this anecdotal white trash yarn is that I get where Michael Douglas is coming from regarding his new preemptive denial of a sexual abuse story set to be published by The Hollywood Reporter. And I get his eldercare provider Catherine Zeta-Jones’ preemptive support of Douglas’ preemptive denial. The sons of witches are both full of crap like 10-year-old me.

The hundred-and-three-year-old Douglas is now an official alleged Hollywood Masturbation Club cardholder following what he’s been told will be an explosive exposé by an anonymous former employee. Instead of waiting for the story to publish and addressing any false claims with any sort of reserve, not to mention brevity, Douglas is going full court press, releasing this long ass tale via Deadline about how he’s never even looked at a woman before. What even are women? Never heard of ’em. Boobs? Sorry I don’t follow:

I got a message from my attorney that The Hollywood Reporter wanted to do a story about an employee that worked for me approximately 32 years ago. She claims that, One, I used colorful language in front of her, not at her, but that I used colorful language. Two, she claims that in conversations I had in front of her, on the phone, that I spoke raunchily, or dirtily with friends of mine, in private conversations. I fired her eventually, for the work she was doing, but Three, she claims that I blackballed her from the industry and stopped her form getting another job. And then, Four, she claims that I masturbated in front of her.

I pride myself of being so supportive of the women’s movement. My mother was an actress, and I myself married to an actress [Catherine Zeta Jones] and have been supportive of this movement wholeheartedly, through all my years. I was forced to look over my past. I’ve had up to 20 female executives who worked at my company in different areas over the years. Over 20 producers I partnered with on pictures have been women. Not to mention all the actresses I’ve worked with and the hundreds of performers. How am I, in a 50 year career in this industry, dealing with an employee 33 years ago who perhaps is disgruntled that I let her go, even though I have never heard from her in 32 years. And a legitimate trade publication is going to try and print this story? There is no corroboration, just that they found out somebody else might run the story.

The corpse doth protest too much. Douglas was born in the freaking 1700’s. Rules and guidelines regarding the proper treatment of women weren’t even drafted yet when he was embarking on his career in Hollywood, so the notion that he’s innocent of any and everything in the assault arena is pretty ridiculous. Hell if these were the Mad Men days I’d probably be masturbating right now in the middle of my office. JK. I am.

Now that his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones is on her third face, she’s feeling pretty brazen, and needs all the publicity she can get before she has to go into hiding again for two years for her next transplant. Here’s what she had to say to Entertainment Tonight regarding the ball of cancer and rosacea on which she wasted her youth:

My reaction was that as two people who have been in this business — him longer than me — was that we support ‘Me Too’ and the movement more than anybody, anybody — me as a woman, him as a man. And there was no other way than to be preemptive in a story that had to be watched. He did a statement, he did it. I think it’s very clear the way that he stands. I cannot elaborate on something that’s so very personal to him.

We’re seeing changes that have taken many years to even be talked about. It’s an amazing time for women, and I really want women to remember how strong we are in numbers. This is going to die down. This is not going to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind forever and ever and we’re going to have to be kind to each other. We can’t ask everyone else to be kind to us unless we’re kind to each other.

Catherine’s word soup, distilled to its essence, basically reads “I’m brain-dead.” But I gather that she’s going to stand by her captor until his dying day, which despite the laws of medicine and science, hasn’t yet come. By the time the #MeThree! movement ends we’ll have about four actors left standing, and I don’t really care if Douglas is one of them. At least Hollywood is finally entertaining.

 Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News